No Biggy

August, 1986 (9 years old).
Umi has always loved my cheeks. She has many
times said that they could heal her headaches
when pressed against her eyes.

Okaaaaay, so it was Mother's Day. BIG deal. I've got no reason whatsoever to celebrate. Why? Because, number one: we never did (celebrate), even when arwah Umi was still around; and number two: I'm motherless now.

Listening to the radio every mornings on my way to work did not have any emotional effect on me until the week when Mother's Day weekend was approaching. My heart literally sobbed whenever callers dedicate their wishes to their mothers. I became somewhat angry because I thought they were pushing it too far, about the whole day and all.

But all those feelings were merely pure jealousy. I AM aware and I DO know what I'm missing, having a mother, even at this age. She wasn't perfect, yes... but she will always be that someone whom you always want to have around.

Even as I write this, my eyes become glassy and watery. :-(

Among the things I would DREAM of having her again is to exchange notes of being a mother myself. I wish to ask for her advice on raising kids, share the joys and laughter watching the children grow, and oh, cry on her shoulders when things get to be unbearable. Having a sick bay to run away to would be a plus ;-)

There has to be a good reason behind all this. As a Muslim, we cannot doubt that fact. There must be a reason why that 'mother' figure is taken away from me (and my sister) so soon. Having faith and praying that she's in a much better place helps a lot.

Despite not being too festive about the day to celebrate mothers around the world, I cannot say that I was not deeply touched when I fetched the kids from nursery one Friday afternoon, when all three of them had a cute, pink tag around their necks which had "Selamat Hari Ibu" written on them. I know they know nothing about it, but thank you kids (and the teachers) for the lovely gesture. 

Read this poem by Wiz on her blog post, it's simply too beautiful not to be shared. Hope you don't mind, Kak Wiz. Here it goes:

What makes a good mother? I am often bothered by this question.

Especially after feeling guilty of punishing my children.

Does a good mother only listen and never whack?

Does she reserve herself to only watch and never smack?

Does she only whisper and never shout?

Does she only believe and never doubt?

A good mother is all that is good and bad.

She is in for the happy times and also the sad,

She may be stern at the same time understanding.

She can be strict and yet compromising.

She is serious and silly all together.

She is full of tears and overflowing with laughter.

Am I a good mother? That is a question I will always ask.

Especially when I am bothered,

If I have carried well this God given task.